I felt like it wasn’t real, like I was in some sort of dream.īut I loved the attention. And I had no sense of self to fall back on- I was letting everyone else tell me who I was and it was utterly confusing. I’m telling you this just to illustrate how confusing and absurd my life was- I had no idea who I was or what the world thought of me because for my whole life I was told one thing, and now suddenly I was being told another. I was understandably really hurt and really confused but I was also very distracted by the copious amount of men who all of a sudden did want me. He got my number and I was ecstatic- in my mind it meant we were going to be boyfriend/girlfriend because that’s how it always goes in the movies… but he never called me. I remember feeling this electricity running through my body, nothing I’d ever felt before. We meet, we talked, we flirted, we kissed. OK, it’s June and the end of my junior year of high school and I’m at a party and meet the man who would become my husband. I gave you this background because our childhood basically sets the foundation for our adult relationships, so this part will explain a lot of what came later. I got out of the hospital at the end of March and I met my husband in mid-June at a party. I felt invisible, and when I wasn’t invisible, I just felt like I was too much, too grotesque. Up until that point I had so much shame around my lack of desirability. All of a sudden guys started taking notice. When I got out of the hospital, I was healthy for the first time in many years… and all of a sudden I was getting all this male attention, and it felt surreal. When I was 17, it got really bad and I was hospitalized for a month. I developed an eating disorder at age 12 and it was on and off until 17. I felt horrible about myself and that led to a lot of self-loathing. I got made fun of a lot, I got called fat a lot even though I wasn’t. My best friend was the queen bee of the group and it was really sad because anytime I would have a crush on a guy, it would turn out he was desperately in love with her. I wasn’t a threat to anyone because I was so undesirable, I was just the supportive friend who was there to listen to all the boy drama they were experiencing. I was in the popular clique- so my best friends were the prettiest ones who all the boys liked, and I was always the second fiddle. I can’t totally put my finger on what it was, maybe because I was always so much taller than the other girls? At the time I felt like a big fat hideous monster, but when I look back at pictures of myself during that time I wasn’t at all! I was actually really cute, but I got annihilated for my appearance, especially by boys. So growing up I wouldn’t say I was “unattractive” but for whatever reason, I was an “undesirable.” I realized it around my tween years, so maybe like age 10 when boys and girls started really taking notice of each other and I was never wanted. In order to fully understand how I was finally able to have a healthy, stable relationship for pretty much the first time in my life, you need to know a little more about me and my past relationships. The reason it’s taken me so long to share the story is I can’t tell it in a vacuum. I’m not super comfortable being so open and vulnerable (I’m an Aquarius, after all!), but I know my story will resonate with most of you and it will help and inspire you so I’m going out on an emotional limb even though it terrifies me a little. I want to finally share the story of how I married my high-school ex-boyfriend after 11 years of me wanting him and him not being interested in me at all!
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